I wish I was younger.

Since I was young, I was aware that a lot of people needs me. I was needed at home, needed in school, needed by my parents, teachers, friends and needed by my pets.

The other day, I was walking home with a classmate of mine. She is a freshmen and she told me how she missed her highschool barkada. Only three from their class were studying in UP, most are enrolled in UST. So while walking, we talked about friends and college and I remember her mention that in college " Parang naggagamitan lang ang mga tao. Hindi na pareho ang bonding sa friendships noong highschool" Upon hearing her comment, I just nodded as if I agreed eventhough in truth I haven't fully absorbed what she said.

While I was in the jeepney, after we said goodbye and went separate ways, I thought about what my classmate said. Gamitan? I agree its the easiest way to view relatonships. It gives a sense of detachment and security. I say security, because you protect yourself from emotional involvement. If friendships are based solely on give and take, without sacrifice and genuine concern, then there is no risk to get your heart broken.

Then I guess that would be a helpful way of thinking. That would be a philosphy worth believing in. Gamitan. I told myself, come to think of it Blanca, if it would help you straighten your goals and actually reach them, then maybe you should believe in it. Gamitan.. Baka nga gamitan lang lahat.

Eventhough there is a way for us to make our lives so easy, it always amazes me how people would choose to take the long winding road rather that the simple, straight, safe short cut. We rather go through the heartaches, the sleepless nights, endless cups of coffee, non-stop excercise, playing a whole rack of cds, memorizing lines in our favorite romantic movies, than through the plain and simple life where everything is a simple as a symbiotic relationship.

But still, eventhough I know how to explain why pain and hurt are important and are necessary for us to understand happiness, I still cry. From time to time I am frustrated and I hate. Sometimes I even wish I could be someone else. I wish I was more than the person I am today. I understand it clearly, but I still wish I don't have to go through all of those hurtful situations. I so selflishly just want to be happy.

Though I know it can't be. So I just resort to bitterness. Somebody told me it helps.

Actually, it doesn't.

But being bitter makes me young again. It gives me the freedom to run away from knowing what's right and doing what's right. It gives me the chance to be wrong and saves me from the guilt. By being bitter I can be unreasonable because I am sad, hurt and offended. Unfair, but very comforting.