you wake up one morning smelling all sweaty and sour.

as you wipe the saliva off your mouth, you realize that

the world, while you were sleeping, had conspired to bring out the worst of you

for one day, which is today

and so as you looked into the mirror

you hated yourself, but you knew you never felt happier.

waking up as you did today

after that not-so date, not-so in the sense that it was not-so memorable but at the same time not- so unforgetable and not-so because i coulnd't really consider it a date, i went home, happy and satisfied.

weeks passed and i haven't heard from you. i guess the not-so date meant goodbye. there were no exchange of words but everything seemed to spell it out. your eyes, your sweetness, your stories. everything. it was clear. it was just simply the end.

i thought so.

yesterday, i heard a familiar voice as i answered the phone.

---

evening..

hello. pede po kay blanca?

your voice didn't seem to change with age. for me, it still came with the ringing of the church bells.

ah.. uy. ano?

i blurted out almost automatically, as if we still spoke to each other regularly.

uy, may ginagawa ka?

having had absorbed the situation and fully aware now of my senses, i realized how much i have longed to hear your voice.

wala. napatawag ka? baket?

ah.. pede ka ba bukas? nood tayo ng sine?

same old tone of asking, careful enough not to sound as if asking as favor but at the same time very much alluring.

bukas? a.. ok. sure ka? sure ba ito? mamaya stir lang to ha.

same old me. uncertain, unsure, distrusting.

sure to. may papakilala ako sayo e.

same old feeling. same old set up. same old us.

ah.. ok.. pero di pa ako sure ah. text na lang kita.

i tried so hard to imitate your coolness. i am not going to be vulnerable, i said to myself.

ganun. pero kung tuloy, saan tayo kita?

it was getting more difficult now. at the beginning, hearing your voice and the thought of talking to you again brought me at the edge of my seat . but now it made me want to evaporate and disappear.

ah.. text mo na lang ako. afterlunch ba ito?

i still tried to sound involved. i tried to hide my anxiety.

sige. kamusta ka na pala?

i wasn't convinced that you still care. your inquiring, i didn't take in a good note. i wanted to put the phone down and end the conversation. much more, i dreaded the moment wherein it would be my turn to ask you the same question.

ah.. ok lang, wait my call wait ah.

i had to get out. i had to run. i was suffocating with all the questions i wanted to ask you. ask myself. i couldn't explain how i exactly felt. there were to many emotions to explain. i hated you. i hated myself. i wasn't supposed to be feeling this. i didn't do anything wrong. i was still busy getting a life. patching the pieces you broke together.

uy, imporante e. tawag na lang ako

i found my way out. i had to drive you away.

a sige. pero magnenet ako e. text ka na lang muna.

it seemed that you still wanted to talk and that you haven't accomplished your purpose in calling.

sure. babay

but it was so clear to me. i didn't want you back. i didn't want the old us.
-----


and then, you ask?

i never went to the date. i texted him that i won't be able to go. i told him to enjoy anyway. i told him to be happy. out of impulse, i texted him all of these instead of just saying i can't come.

it was hard to think properly while texting him that night. i felt the same old feeling i have been feeling the past years. the feeling i thought i already let go of. the feeling that gave me my happiest moments and my saddest as well. it was still buried in me. your voice brought it to life once again.

amazing, how your voice comes with the ringing of church bells.

Today I decided to be in love.

I woke up with a light feeling inside of me. It didn't make me shake. It didn't make me shiver. It somehow made me weak but at the same time gave me strength to wake up and begin the day.

As I took my shower, I found myself humming love songs. The songs had different lines, had different rhythms, and different melodies, but each and every sound that escaped my mouth gave out bubbles of joy and of serenity. As the bubbles touched my skin, it burst and emptied itself with all the grace it possessed. Suddenly, the bathroom was filled with happy thoughts, with unselfish love and with undying hope.

I dressed myself up with a pink blouse, old faded pants, slippers, pearl earings and a necklace with which I had difficulty in choosing. Armed with my favorite cologne, I headed to the dining table to have my breakfast. I seldom have breakfast. I usually take just a cup of coffee. But today was special. I had an egg, spam and rice. I even drank hot chocolate instead of coffee. I was psyched and excited. It felt like the first day of school. That moment, I was sure of one thing, love is refreshing.

I went to school excited. I was in the jeepney but I could still feel the bubbles slowly bursting as they touch my skin. the melody they came with still lingered in my ears. They seemed like an echo now, but they still consumed me.

I looked outside the jeepney and was surprised by all the beauty. I saw children, couples, boys, flowers, clouds, architecture, art, life and love. The world was painted with color and vibrance. It sounded, looked and felt good. It was blessing spelled out boldly around me.

Life changes when you are in love. I know. You could be happier when you are in love. I know. But I feel much more safer the other way around. Choosing between the two sides of the same coin is not very difficult for me. I could do away with the light feeling, bursting bubble, and melodies. I guess, for now, I could. And I guess, I would.

Love can change the way you live but life sometimes can't change the way you love.

And so, tomorrow I will decide to let go of love.

Bakit ako huminto sa pagsusulat.. hmm..

1. Ewan.. haha.. <-- this is so me!!

kaya ang sarap ko kausap e. napakaprofound. ^_^

2. Feeling ko I could stop myself from feeling once I stop expressing myself, which includes writing in this blog.

haha.. e feeling ko lang naman! but, wag ka, it worked ha.. keeping myself detached from my own emotions helped me move on.. ("to move on" is the best way to put it. by using "to let go" could lead you elsewhere.. ^_^ )

totoo, nakamove on ako. nakaforgive ako. nakalimot. naging payapa. maraming natutunan. maraming napagtanto.

3. Frustrated ako, depressed and repressed...

ganito, isipin mo yung pakiramdam na nag entrance exam ka sa dream college mo. nagenroll ka sa apat na review center para sure ka nang pumasa. nakipagbargain ka pa sa Diyos na hindi ka na magmumura, kahit pag nanonood ka ng basketball, basta pumasa ka lang. nagpabless ka pa ng lapis. umikot ka pasa puno at nagsabi ng Gambatte kahit hindi mo gets kung ano yun.. hindi lang yun, bago pa magexam, humawak ka pa sa puno, kahit muka ka nang baliw. pagkatapos ng exam, sigurado ka nasagot mo lahat at lahat sigurado kang tama.. ngunit nang lumabas ang resulta, hinanap mo ang pangalan mo..

(labay for example.. haha..)
Kabigting,
Kimbo,
Laan..
(labay?)
Labayan..
(huwaaat??!! shet, naskip lang, naskip lang yan.. where's my lovely name??! pakshet.. )


and after that ready ka nang humiga sa gitna ng commonwealth avenue, magpanggap na humps, at wakasan ang buhay mo..

nang malaman ko yun, ayoko nang magsulat.. parang nawala na lahat ng rason kong magmahal.. magantay.. mangarap. yung mga plano ko, na kahit pilit kong itanggi, ay umaasa akong matutupad, nabura. yung drawing sa isip ko ng wedding gown ko sa kasal naten, napunit , o mas tama bang sabihin, pinunit ko. kasi para saan pa?

4. nagpapakamysterious ako..

well, this doesn't mean na may narereveal sa blog ko. haha.. kung kilala niyo ako ng mabuti, you could read in between the lines. minsan akala niyo ayun na, kapag inisip niyo ng malalim, akala niyo sigurado na kayo. pero trust me, most of the time mali kayo. madalas hindi niyo ako kilala.

pero kahit na. siyempre, kapag ako ang nagbasa, kitang kita ang mga lumalabas sa sulat ko. at hindi ko siya nagustuhan. kasi, para saan pa?


PERO GUSTO NIYO BANG MALAMAN KUNG BAKIT AKO NAGSUSULAT ULE?

hehe.. SIMPLE LANG.. gusto ko rin pala ng DRAMA. nabobore na ako sa buhay kong maayos. PATAG.. PREDICTABLE.. PLAIN.. masochista ba ako? hindi naman.. GUSTO KO LANG ULI MAKARAMDAM.. GUSTO KO NAMAN MAGRISK.. GUSTO KONG MAGMAHAL..

pero may isa pa akong napagtanto, na mas mahalaga, at pinakamahalaga sa lahat. I NEVER DID STOP FROM LOVING. ^_^ i have moved on. but still, i don't want to let go. PARA SAAN PA? ewan.. pero alam ko, minsan may nagsabi sa akin, KAPAG MAHAL MO, MAHAL MO. ^_^

hello! i guess i found my reason. :)

starting today i'd try to paint my life with bright colors. i'd fill everyday with radiance only a person who is inlove could understand. :)

i love myself. i love my life!!