I was on my way home from work that day. I took the MRT which was extraordinarily empty of its usual load of people. I sat near the entrance and tried to relax and to savor the chance of being able to sit straight from Ayala to SM North. Most of the trip I was just looking at my reflection at the glass window opposite me. I was too busy being vain until I noticed another reflection that was painfully familiar.

Out of the emptiness, I saw you. You were so near that it was a miracle I failed to see you earlier during the trip. You were standing, your back towards me and your head resting on your arm that was holding the railing. You wore a brown short sleeves polo, jeans and rubber shoes and the sling bag that was your trade mark way back in high school. Your reflection in the glass was not clear but I could tell from the look of it that your eyes were closed and that you were trying to sleep. You looked peaceful. You were still and silent, harmless, until the train hit the last station.


~~~ MRT SM North Station

The train stopped. The doors opened and everybody rushed out. All the faces were rejoicing as they successfully made their way out of the train. I remained seated and was still stunned. Your mere existence in such proximity almost made me forget I was supposed to get off the train already.

As I came to my senses, I got up, careful enough for you not to notice. But as I was on my way to the entrance, I couldn't seem to find my ticket. With much dismay, I forgot all my drama and cursed. I cursed out loud. Shit.

Nobody seemed to care. Nobody seemed to mind. All eyes were still towards the open entrance. Unfortunately, all except yours.

Our eyes met and we both were surprised. During the two years we didn’t see each other; my daydreams were always of you, of meeting you – meeting you in church, in the airport, in a restaurant while dining with another guy. But of all those hypothetical scenarios I have developed in my mind, I didn't realize that it could be as simple as you and me inside the MRT. But even though things can be this simple, you always seem to have your way to complicate them.

You came near and you said hello. I smiled, tried to be perky and said hi. You looked the same, you sounded the same. You even wore that same old perfume. You have but a few lines in your forehead which revealed your age and a smile that made you even more mature.

We walked together to the mall and had the chance to have a little chat. Our conversation was just like those in the past. We joked, we laughed. What was lacking was just my hand in yours.

It wasn’t like how I imagined. There was little tension. It wasn't very hard to keep the level of enthusiasm. For a change, you were cooperative. We talked about new stuffs about us and we stayed far from what hurts. No updates on personal relationships, just work, school, family.

~~~ SM North

You were so warm and bubbly that I even got strength from your over flowing energy. Unlike everybody, you didn't seem to experience the stresses the day was with. You even asked me to eat and watch a movie. For good times' sake, I guess. I admired your courage, but I know too well you were aware I wasn't going to say yes. I was tired, I reason out but to sound nice I suggested about having the movie and lunch some other time.

Though things generally went well, we had lots of silent moments while we were inside the mall. We came to the point where we had nothing safe to talk about.

I actually had other things to buy. But when I was about to go ahead and buy something from the bookstore, you readily asked if I needed company. I could see the sincerity but I told you I was fine. You remained sweet through the years and you insisted. Your ability to sugar coat your words and your actions were still in tune. The difference was that I didn't fall for them. But in pity of your efforts, I agreed. I could always use some help in carrying my shopping bags, I thought.

I could say you were nicer. I didn't know if it was for real but to take it as it is, you were a breath of fresher air, much fresher than the one which met as in EDSA. Expectedly, you carried my shopping bags. Much expectedly, you enjoyed the weight or rather you enjoyed being useful. You accompanied and helped a lonely, unattached, old friend, who by chance had her heart broken by you. I guess it was then again, an addition to your futile attempts to show you are sorry. Your consistency made me want to smile.

~~~ Terminal

After shopping, I told you, you should go home but you wanted to lengthen the day, you offered to walk me to the terminal. I tried to shake you off by saying I was going to ride a jeep and the terminal would be meters and meters away, but you insisted. Another few meters and minutes of freedom from my newly bought books and school supplies, I thought.

You continued your act. You asked me questions about my life now. Your questions were closely bordering to things we silently agreed to avoid. You even asked me if I were still unattached. I didn't respond. One, because I didn't like to and two, because my answer was no. I was very much attached. To you. Still to you.

~~~ FX

You hugged me as I was about to ride the FX. It came as a shock. Worst was that you even whispered on how much you missed me. After that, I didn't have the strength to respond with words. I just smiled awkwardly, got in the vehicle and waved you goodbye. After a couple minutes, while the fx was tracking its way home, I cried silently in my seat. All the things I couldn't tell you, I shed through my tears. As I cried, I can hear the music playing. Love is asking me to dance with him again. Would I? Should I?

I can't believe I like this read.. I saw it in friendster. I don't know who wrote it but then again, love amazed me on how it can unite people, on how it can break barriers, on how it can erase differences. Experiences of hurt and of passion makes all of us the same - vunerable when it comes to the person we love

I'm not in love. On the contrary, I miss love and loving.

Through the hectic week, I have been planing to write an update. There are lots of happenings this summer that I could have written about. My new found friends, my work, my deadly activities and my new found hobby.. But writing still boils down to you. I hate it, but it does. It always does.

^_^

Soulmate


She's the one you call when you're bored
because she makes you laugh. She's the one you
talk to when you're feeling down because she's
willing to lend an ear and be a friend. She's not the
one you call when you need a date to your
company's Christmas party, or to go dancing with
on a Saturday night. She's the one you spend time
with between girlfriends, before you find "The One".
You know, the one who you keep around in the
meantime.

She's not one of the guys, not a tomboy, but you
don't look at her as a "real" woman, either. She's
not bitchy enough, moody enough, or sexy enough
to be seen in that light. She's too laid-back, too
easily amused by the same things your male
buddies are amused by. She's too understanding,
too comfortable - she doesn't make you feel
nervous or excited the way a "real" woman does.
But she's cool, and nice, and funny, and attractive
enough that when you're lonely or horny and need
intimate female companionship, she'll do just fine.
You don't have to wine and dine her because she
knows the real you already, and you don't have
any facades to keep up, no pretenses to preserve.

You're not trying to get anything of substance out
of her. She's not easy, but you know that she
cares about you and is attracted to you, and that
she'll give you the intimacy you need. And you
know you don't have to explain yourself or the
situation, that she'll be able to cope with the fact
that this isn't the beginning of a relationship or
that
there's any possibility that you have any real
romantic feelings for her. It won't bother her that
you'll get up in the morning, put on your pants, say
goodbye, and go on a date with the woman you've
been mooning over for weeks who finally agreed
to go out with you. She'll settle for a goodbye hug
and a promise to call her and tell her how the date
went. She's just so cool... why can't all women
be like that?!

But deep down, if you really think about it (which
you probably don't because to you, the situation
between the two of you isn't important enough to
merit any real thought), you know that it's really not
fair. You know that although she would never say
it, it hurts her to know that despite all her good
points and all the fun you two have, you don't think
she's good enough to spend any real time with.
Sure, it's mostly her fault, because she doesn't
have to give in to your needs - she could play the
hard-to-get bitch like the rest of them do, if she
really wanted to. But you and she both know that
she probably couldn't pull it off. Maybe she's too
short, or a little overweight, or has a big birthmark
on her forehead, or works at Jollibee. Whatever
the reason, somehow life has given her a lot of
really great qualities but has left out the ones that
men want (or think they want) in a woman. So she
remains forever the funny friend, the steadfast
companion, the secret lover, and you go on
searching for your goddess who will somehow be
everything you ever wanted in a woman.

You'll joke to her that she should be the best man
at your wedding, and she'll laugh and make a joke
about a smelly rental barong.

She doesn't captivate you with her beauty, or
open doors with her smile. Mainly she blends in
with the crowd. She's safe. She doesn't want to be
the center of attention and turn the heads of
everyone in the room. But she wants to turn
someone's head. She wants to be special to
someone, too. We all do.

She has feelings. She has a heart. In fact, she
probably has a bigger and better heart than any
woman you've ever known because she's had a
front-row seat to The Mess That Is Your Life, and
she likes you anyway. She obviously sees
something worthwhile and redeeming in you
because although you've given her nothing,
absolutely there's no reason for her to be
with you butshe still is.

Think about it.....


^_^

masaya ako. :)

ayun lang.

gusto ko lang sabihin.

ang ganda ng date today. 030405. ^_^

im happy. ayun lang..

harharhar..

I wish I was younger.

Since I was young, I was aware that a lot of people needs me. I was needed at home, needed in school, needed by my parents, teachers, friends and needed by my pets.

The other day, I was walking home with a classmate of mine. She is a freshmen and she told me how she missed her highschool barkada. Only three from their class were studying in UP, most are enrolled in UST. So while walking, we talked about friends and college and I remember her mention that in college " Parang naggagamitan lang ang mga tao. Hindi na pareho ang bonding sa friendships noong highschool" Upon hearing her comment, I just nodded as if I agreed eventhough in truth I haven't fully absorbed what she said.

While I was in the jeepney, after we said goodbye and went separate ways, I thought about what my classmate said. Gamitan? I agree its the easiest way to view relatonships. It gives a sense of detachment and security. I say security, because you protect yourself from emotional involvement. If friendships are based solely on give and take, without sacrifice and genuine concern, then there is no risk to get your heart broken.

Then I guess that would be a helpful way of thinking. That would be a philosphy worth believing in. Gamitan. I told myself, come to think of it Blanca, if it would help you straighten your goals and actually reach them, then maybe you should believe in it. Gamitan.. Baka nga gamitan lang lahat.

Eventhough there is a way for us to make our lives so easy, it always amazes me how people would choose to take the long winding road rather that the simple, straight, safe short cut. We rather go through the heartaches, the sleepless nights, endless cups of coffee, non-stop excercise, playing a whole rack of cds, memorizing lines in our favorite romantic movies, than through the plain and simple life where everything is a simple as a symbiotic relationship.

But still, eventhough I know how to explain why pain and hurt are important and are necessary for us to understand happiness, I still cry. From time to time I am frustrated and I hate. Sometimes I even wish I could be someone else. I wish I was more than the person I am today. I understand it clearly, but I still wish I don't have to go through all of those hurtful situations. I so selflishly just want to be happy.

Though I know it can't be. So I just resort to bitterness. Somebody told me it helps.

Actually, it doesn't.

But being bitter makes me young again. It gives me the freedom to run away from knowing what's right and doing what's right. It gives me the chance to be wrong and saves me from the guilt. By being bitter I can be unreasonable because I am sad, hurt and offended. Unfair, but very comforting.

pleasure can take in many forms. pretending to be forbidden. pretending to be at a far.

listening brought in a different kind of high. a feeling not completely foreign but anyhow life changing.

the voice came with a warmth that cools. awakens. changes.

reading and watching never came near doing. though huge steps away, affirms nevertheless.

listening gave a different kind of freedom. freedom people never liked talking about.

with every sound, frankness flooded in.

easing hesitations,untying knots,unlocking chains

releasing anxiety.

vulnerable yet self-possesed.

weak yet brave enough to risk.

an experience never to be forgotten though lasted not longer than a night, not longer than a movie.



~~ februaries are remarkably memorable
~~~ funny how i can make meaning out of it.
~~~~ rationalization is shit. haha..